The Great SHepherd

Wanting my sons to display these character qualities even though I didn't want to be involved with God, I started
reading the Bible and passing along what I thought they should know. One night my 6 year old asked me, "What
does it mean to have Jesus in my life?" I didn't know the answer, but thought about it for a minute and actually did
something I had never done before, I prayed "God if you are there show me how to answer this question?".

I let myself just go with the flow of what came to mind next. The trainer in me decided to play a little role play with
my sons. I had my 8 year old pretend to extort lunch money from my 6 year old. When confronted, my 6 year old was
afraid, and didn't know what to say. I then stood up from my chair and went and stood behind my 6 year old and put
my hand on his shoulder and told my 8 year old to repeat the question. When he did, my 6 year old blurted out "No,
you can't have it"! I asked him why he said that and he responded, "Because I knew you were there with me, so I
wasn't afraid".

My son's answer to me, taught me what it meant to have Jesus in my life. He answered the question for me instead
of the other way around. That night, not knowing how to, I prayed and cried and found myself on the floor asking
God to give me that same confidence, and lack of fear to face the many problems in my life. I realized how empty I
was even though I had a large house, a Cadillac, a prestigious management position etc. I was all at once convicted
of how I had been unfaithful to my wife in how I looked at other women, I was unloving to my children in all those
evenings where I was too busy to say hello, or throw a ball or just sit and talk. I was offensive in my attitude toward
my parents by telling them how to fix their problems instead of just supporting them and being available for their
needs. Every thing I'd ever done wrong (every sin) became very obvious and real at that moment, and I realized this
weight and pressure in my life was because I carried all of this with me every day. I cried out for God to forgive me
and save me from this. I said to God if turning myself over to Him could keep me from being like this and feeling
like this than I want Him to be in charge. Immediately I was freed.

MY TESTIMONY - GOD REVEALING HIMSELF TO ME:

God's word tells us that His greatest desire is for us to acknowledge Him and fellowship with Him. I belonged to a
church, and practiced a religion, but I didn't truly believe in God until I was 35 years old. That emotional feeling in
my chest when I felt pain at loss and struggles became so controlling in my life that I was habitually angry, or
unexplainably depressed. I was manic depressive in my life and it progressed without purpose even though I had a
great wife, 2 great sons and a growing career. A good friend who had far less than I did, and lived much more
humbly than I did always had peace about him even though his life was much more difficult than mine. In asking
him what he did to be so serene, he told me he doesn't do anything, he merely allows God to rule in his life and the
stress and fears and anxieties that he was experiencing were removed from his life. The Lord replaced those
emotions with peace. I wanted this peace but was resistant to surrendering to God, I'm in charge of my life. Over the
next 3 years, God talked to me through personal events, bankruptcy, the disability of my parents, and also through
greater societal events (I was able to visit Columbine right after the shootings in 1999). I came to a point where I
could mentally accept the benefit of the principles in scripture, but didn't recognize that it was the relationship with
God, not the applying of Biblical practices that gave that peace.